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Modern motherhood is truly a landscape of contradictions. We’re flooded with advice from every corner; books, social media, well-meaning relatives and yet, it’s easy to feel completely unseen in your real, day-to-day struggles.
The pressure to be perfect, to “do it all,” and to feel nothing but blissful gratitude can be suffocating, leaving you feeling like you’re the only one who finds it all so hard.
But what if the most profound wisdom wasn’t about finding the right sleep-training “hack” or a new productivity system? What if it was about pushing back against the impossible expectations of a hardened world?
Perhaps we should examine motherhood “from a different lens, from a societal perspective, a ‘you’ perspective…” (taken from my book ‘How To Soften Into Motherhood In A Hardened World‘)
This is a call to trade external pressures for your own inner wisdom. It’s about embracing a few counter-intuitive truths that offer not perfection, but permission. Permission to be human, to feel messy, and to find grace right where you are.
Here are five of the most powerful, liberating truths that I liken to a ‘motherhood manual’ for the emotions of the mother, that can help you rebel against the noise and return to your most authentic self.
1. You’re Not Meant to “Bounce Back.” You’re Meant to Evolve.
There’s a moment in every mother’s journey – I call it “The Shift” where you realize life will never be the same. It isn’t always gentle. For me, it arrived with devastating clarity. “I remember sitting on my bathroom floor, exhausted, teary-eyed, feeling painfully out of control.” “Everything had changed… As much as I adored my newborn baby, I missed me.” With this realization often comes grief. You grieve the woman you were, the one with more freedom, fewer worries, and a clear sense of her own identity.
It’s crucial to understand that this grief is not a rejection of your new role as a mother. It is a sign of love for the person you once were, and it’s a perfectly normal part of a monumental life change. Society puts immense pressure on mothers to “bounce back” to their pre-baby bodies, careers, and selves, but this completely misses the point. Motherhood is not a detour; it’s a profound reconstruction of your identity. The world will tell you to “bounce back,” but you’re not meant to bounce back, nor are you meant to go back. You’re meant to evolve.
This idea is incredibly liberating. It replaces the pressure to return to an old, outdated version of yourself with the permission to grow into someone new—someone more expansive, more compassionate, and more deeply connected to what truly matters.
2. “Busy” Isn’t a Badge of Honor. It’s a Pandemic.
“How are you?” “So busy!” is what we always say, am I right? In modern culture, especially within motherhood, this exchange has become standard. We live in what I identify as a “‘busy’ pandemic,” where rushing from one task to the next is seen as a sign of normalcy. In reality, this constant state of “go go go” is a primary contributor to overwhelming stress and anxiety, and it feels a world away from the childhoods many of us remember.
The most important thing to realize is that today’s frantic pace is a choice, not a requirement. When we operate in a constant state of rush, our children absorb this energy. They begin to believe that a stressed, hurried life is normal. This frantic lifestyle doesn’t just steal our peace; it models an unsustainable way of being for the next generation.
The true power lies in consciously choosing to slow down. Normalizing downtime, not as laziness, but as an essential act of well-being—is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your family. It creates a home environment where peace, presence, and connection can finally take root.
3. Comparison Is the Quickest Way to Steal Your Own Joy.
President Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” a quote that is especially resonant in motherhood. Comparison is a trap that leads directly to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and anxiety.
On a family holiday in Poland, I found myself hiding my sorrows inside a flimsy orange wind shelter on the beach. I watched as my sister-in-law effortlessly pulled out sand buckets, games, and food for her baby. I’d brought absolutely nothing. “No drink, no food, no toys for my baby. All I had was the milk in my breasts.”
In that moment, a harrowing internal narrative took hold. The comparisons continued all week, and by the end of the holiday, I’d convinced myself of a terrible lie: “I was a terrible mum compared to her.”
This is the key: comparison is almost always based on an incomplete, often fictional, story we tell about ourselves. The only truth that matters is that you are the expert on your own child. When you hold onto that knowledge, the noise from the world begins to fade, and you reclaim the truth that is rightfully yours.
4. Mom Guilt Is a Liar (But It’s Born From Love)
Mom guilt is a ruthless and constant shadow. It whispers that you aren’t doing enough, being enough, or giving enough. It shows up when you take time for yourself, when you lose your sh*t, or when you feel overwhelmed. It clings to every decision, making you feel like you can never get it right.
But here is the counter-intuitive reframe: guilt doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother; it’s a symptom of how deeply you love your children. You feel it because you care so much. This guilt is fueled by impossible societal expectations of the “selfless” mother—one who gives every piece of herself away until nothing is left.
That’s not motherhood. That’s martyrdom.
The goal isn’t to erase your needs but to meet them with the same compassion you offer your children. By reframing guilty thoughts with kindness, you can break the cycle. You are not just raising children; you are modeling for them what it means to be a whole, healthy human who makes mistakes, rests when needed, and treats themselves with grace.
5. Creativity Isn’t a Luxury. It’s Your Lifeline.
For many mothers, personal creativity feels like a non-essential luxury. Between managing schedules, cleaning messes, and meeting everyone else’s needs, who has time to write, paint, or sing? We tell ourselves there are more important things to do, and our creative spark slowly fades. But this is one of the most significant losses in motherhood.
Creativity isn’t a luxury. It’s a lifeline.
It’s important to distinguish between the functional creativity of motherhood (like inventing a game on the spot) and the expressive creativity that reconnects you to yourself for the sheer joy of it. This doesn’t require hours of uninterrupted time. It can be found in small, gentle moments: “Perhaps doodling while your child colors in. Singing in the kitchen. Baking for the fun of it.” Reclaiming a creative practice is a profound act of self-care. It reminds you that you exist outside of your role as a caretaker and is a powerful gift to your children, showing them that joy, play, and self-expression are for life.
Conclusion: Trading Perfection for Presence
Sweet friend, these five truths all point to a single, central theme: giving yourself permission to be a human being. They offer permission to evolve instead of “bouncing back,” permission to slow down, permission to trust your own instincts, permission to be imperfect, and permission to reconnect with your own joy.
They are an invitation to trade the impossible expectations of society for the quiet wisdom of your own heart.
Motherhood isn’t about achieving a flawless ideal. It’s a messy, beautiful, transformative journey of becoming. By letting go of impossible expectations, you can make space for what truly matters: presence, connection, and a deep, abiding love for your children and for the incredible person you are.
If you chose to let go of just one of these impossible expectations today, who might you give yourself permission to become?
