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Do you ever feel like you’re running a race where the finish line keeps moving?
You wake up with the best intentions. Today, you’ll be the Mum who doesn’t snap. Today, the kitchen will stay tidy, the snacks will be organic, and you’ll finally conquer that ever-growing pile of washin. But by 10:00 AM, your child has a meltdown over the “wrong” socks, your tea is stone-cold, and you’re already feeling like you’ve failed.
Mama, I want to tell you something very important, right here in the trenches with you: Perfection is a thief. It steals your joy, your presence, and your peace of mind.
Today, we’re talking about a concept that changed my life and the lives of countless others too: The ‘Good Enough’ Mum. It’s time to push back against the “busyness pandemic” and learn why lowering your expectations isn’t about giving up: it’s about giving yourself grace.
The Myth Of The Perfect Parent
We live in an age of “curated motherhood.” We scroll through Instagram and see white linen sofas, children who eat kale without a fuss, and Mums who seem to have “balanced” it all with a glowing complexion to boot. Why don’t I look like that? Why is my house always a state?
This internal critic is a liar. The pressure to be perfect is a relatively new phenomenon, fuelled by a world that tells us if we aren’t exhausted, we aren’t doing it right. But this constant striving is actually detrimental to our mental health. When we aim for perfection, we’re constantly in a state of high alert, which makes us more likely to snap at the very people we are trying so hard to care for.
What Does ‘Good Enough’ Actually Mean?
The term “Good Enough Mother” was coined by a British paediatrician and psychoanalyst named Donald Winnicott. He observed thousands of mothers and babies and realised something radical: Children don’t need perfect parents.
In fact, he argued that a “perfect” parent: one who anticipates every single need and never fails would actually be a disservice to the child. A ‘Good Enough’ Mum is someone who:
- Starts by being very attentive to her baby’s needs.
- Gradually, and naturally, fails to adapt to those needs perfectly as the child grows.
- Provides a safe, loving environment where the child can experience small, manageable frustrations.
It’s about being present, not perfect. It’s about the repair after the rupture. If you lose your temper, but you come back, apologise, and reconnect, you are teaching your child something far more valuable than perfection: you are teaching them about resilience and forgiveness.
Why Your Child Needs You to Fail (Just a Little)
This is the part that usually brings a huge sense of relief to many mums. When you “fail” – when you’re five minutes late with dinner, or you don’t instantly solve their boredom, you are helping your child develop.
These minor misattunements are the building blocks of their independence. If the world always bent to their every whim, they would never learn how to cope with life’s inevitable hiccups. By being ‘good enough’, you’re giving them the gift of distress tolerance. You are showing them that the world is generally safe and that you are generally there, but they are also capable of navigating small moments on their own. Lowering your expectations isn’t lazy; it’s developmental.
The Busyness Pandemic and the Art of Softening
We often equate our worth with our productivity. We think that if we just “optimise” our morning routine or “hustle” a bit harder, we’ll finally feel in control. This is the busyness pandemic in action. It keeps us in a state of “doing” rather than “being.”
At Mamas Find Your Voice, I talk a lot about the art of softening. Softening is the opposite of the “push through” culture. It’s about:
- Allowing the laundry to stay in the basket for another day.
- Choosing a 10-minute nap over a 10-minute scrub of the skirting boards.
- Accepting that “fed is best,” even if that means beans on toast for the third time in a week.
When we soften, we create space for ourselves and out family. It’s not about expensive spa days; it’s about the gentle grace you extend to yourself when things go wrong.
Practical Exercises: Finding Your ‘Good Enough’
Let’s move from theory to action. Try these three exercises this week to help shift your mindset from “Perfect” to “Good Enough.”
1. The “So What?” Filter
Next time you feel a surge of Mum guilt because something isn’t perfect (house is messy, kids had too much screen time etc), ask yourself: “So what?”
- So what if the floor is sticky? The kids are happy.
- So what if we missed the playgroup? We had a slow morning together instead.
- So what if I’m tired? I’m a human being, not a robot.
2. The Daily Repair
Instead of beating yourself up for a “bad” parenting moment, focus on the repair. If you snapped, go to your child, get on their level, and say, “I’m sorry I was grumpy earlier. I was feeling a overwhelmed. I love you.” This one act is more powerful than 24 hours of being a “perfect” Mum.
3. The ‘Good Enough’ List
At the end of the day, instead of a To-Do list, write a “Did-Do” list. Include the small wins:
- I gave a great hug.
- I managed to drink a warm cup of tea.
- I kept everyone alive and fed.
- I read a short poem to uplift and encourage myself.
Summary: Your New Mantra
Mama, the world wants you to believe you are never doing enough. But the truth is, your children don’t want a perfect Mum; they want you. They want the Mum who laughs, the Mum who tries, and yes, even the Mum who occasionally burns the toast.
Key Takeaways:
- Perfection is unnecessary: Winnicott’s ‘Good Enough’ Mum is actually better for a child’s development.
- Embrace the mess: Lowering your expectations allows for more authentic connection.
- Repair is everything: It’s not about never failing; it’s about how you come back together.
- Prioritise your peace: Softening into your reality is the ultimate form of self care for busy moms.
You are doing a wonderful job in a world that asks too much. Take a deep breath, let those high expectations drop to the floor, and just be with your babies today.
You are enough, exactly as you are.
With love and fierce encouragement,
Sophie xx
