Often I think words aren’t enough to describe the sheer joy at watching my little man ‘do his thing’.
I sit watching him for ages – reams of time eek out in front of me when I’m observing his actions, how he flexes his fingers, picks up a tiny black dot on the floor, giggles when I do a double take at him.
Or how he must have a bowl and spoon to ‘mix with’ when I’m cooking dinner.
I’m so in the moment it’s magical, watching him clamber on the sofa, hands full of mushed up brown banana, sticky fingertips pressed hard against the pane of glass that overlooks our garden.
There’s a permanent ‘Benio nose’ shape smudged up against it. I don’t wipe it off because when he naps, I look at it and go gooey.
He’s so transfixed himself, watching the hens cluck around the garden. It’s one long chain of genuine fascination, so open to life and everything it offers.
Me to him. Him to the hens.
I spend my days doing this.
Sat at my kitchen table, writing, emailing, watching Benio, writing some more, then watching him again, really looking at him.
Seeing him for who he really is, a beautiful, innocent baby who has an amazing life ahead of him.
I honestly say this with the deepest authenticity and integrity… I couldn’t wish for more.
I couldn’t be happier. My happiness at this stage of my life brings me tears it’s so fucking beautiful.
It brings me to write my blog, because I wonder honestly whether I’m the only mother who feels so deeply? I have to get these emotions out!! They’re too much they can suffocate y’know?
The gut wrenching, breathtaking pull of love you feel for your child?
It is literally everything.
He’s started to run now, doing laps up and down the kitchen.
Luckily our beautiful dog has warmed to him now he holds a dirty sock and plays tug of war.
I have no shame or embarrassment in sharing my joy I’ll be honest.
I’m tired of the thought even crossing my mind of, “What will people say or think if I actually profess how happy I am?”
If there’s one thing I’m gonna leave as a legacy on my deathbed to my grandchildren and great grandchildren, it’s that “Grandma didn’t hold back”.
She let rip. She fucking rocked.
She didn’t live life because of someone else’s views and beliefs. She lived it cos’ of her own views and beliefs.
Scratch that right now into my gravestone. Cement it in.
Sure I understand many people in this world continue to judge other people who are happy, but just imagine what kinda place we could create if everyone switched their mindset to gratitude for what is?
The pure innocent beauty of this moment right now.
Whatever you’re doing, wherever you are, it’s happening now.
It’s eternal, yet it’s fleeting.
Being grateful is in my view the exact same as ‘being happy’.
My motto is “More gratitude, more gratitude, more gratitude.”
And watch the happiness roll on in.
This is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote 2 years ago.
Have you tried journaling? If you’re a newbie, check out my e-book on the topic (see below).